tink1212

So apparently this is the only place I can come and say what I feel without having to worry what people will think or say about what I say. The only place where I dont have to watch my words for fear of someone seeing them.

Right now what little bit of personal happiness that I had is gone, thanks to the actions of  few people, but mainly one in particular because she is the reason others did what they did.

I dont have many friends. People that I can talk to and have fun with be it IRL or online. And I have even fewer real friends, people that actually care if I, frankly, live or die that arent related to me and that I can talk to about anything. Most people see me as an annoyance or just someone they know and dont think of me day in or day out at all. Some even remind me daily that I am not wanted by speaking about me as if I were not there while I am in the same room. Others treat me like shit or as if I am the worst person in the world. My own family, my own MOTHER, half the time cant be bothered to actually include me or remember me in things or events that we have done together for years. It's always "I have to..." "When I..." and not we.

And now people that I thought I had as friends, who I thought Id really gotten to know beyond our original reason for meeting, people that I thought cared even the least bit about me, have shown themselves to be like those already mentioned and not really friends at all, and in the case of certian people, numbering more then I have fingers to count, they have decided I am not worthy and not acceptable of even a very lose friendship or even worth having around because of one person. I have been lied to by "the sin of ommission" - not being told the whole truth about things, by people that I have never been ANYTHING but honest with.

Am I an angel? No. Have I been very catty and immature and gossiped about someone or or numerous people in an attempt at personal vengance or just to make myself feel better? Sure. But am I the only one that ever has? NOT HARDLY. So why exactly am I the one that been deemed a pariah and the worst human being of all and in very few direct ways but in LOADS of subtle ways made to feel as if I shouldnt even exist or that I wasnt worth of being associated with? And Im sure to those that are doing this to me, when they see/read/hear about this will only just add it to the list of reasons why Im worthless.

I guess the real problem is that I dont know how to deal with people that will lie to me, use me, hate me even, just for thier own purposes or to get in or get ahead with someone else. People that are vindictave. Because I dont do that. I dont lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead because I was taught that wasnt the right thing to do. Im honest. Im so honest Ive been called tactless because if you ask me a question or want my opinion I wont lie to you. And I was taught to treat others with kindness and respect, even if I didnt exactly love them to death. I dont know how to deal with those that claim to be adults yet engage in behavior that is less then those of middle school age. Hell, less then that even given the maturity level of some middle schoolers Ive known. I dont know how to deal with those that do things that are small and petty because I dont generally act that way. Have I in the past? Im sure. But Im not perfect. I try to not act that way because I know it wont really get me anywhere.

And now Im left with this empty feeling. I dont know what to think. I dont know what to say. I just try to get thru the day without thinking about anything else so I can fall apart privately. Like I have been as Ive typed this. All of this makes me want to step completely away from everything and curl up in a ball and die. Or at least delete or remove 95% of the people in my cyber life and more then 1/2 the people in my RL.

I am not perfect. But I am who I say i am and have never been anything but that. And I cant understand WHAT THE FUCK I did that Im so hated for.

And I know that since I only have a handful of "friends" who will see this, no one will really care.

And to add to it all? Im also apparently so hideous and grotesque and not worthy of ever being loved by someone. Youd think in 30yrs it wouldve happened at least once. I guess Im not worth of ever having a husband and a family either.

There is a big difference in being "tolerated" by someone and actually being "friends" with them. I just wish those people in my life that simply tolerate me would have the balls to actually tell me that they really dont like me. Just because we are connected because of something doesnt mean you have to like me or even talk to me. But only including me because you think you have to? SICK. LOW. SMARMY.

Id rather you act as if I dont exist.